[SGS / 4Jul]

a-m-n-o-s:

Around 3-4 days after the op, I went for the check-up and the result is that [the tumour] is benign, and I am really thankful that it is so. But I did ask the doc if what will happen if it is malignant and he said it will require radiation therapy because the speed of deterioration might be fast since I am not very old. Maybe I might need to remove it like Papa and then do the radiation therapy. I have thought about it, if I remove it, then I won’t be able to talk anymore? That’s if I must remove it before I hit 50 y/o. If that really happen, then I can’t MC, act or even sing anymore right. So dancing only? What else interesting can I do. If something serious really happen. I have thought a lot about it. Before the doc confirmed that it is benign, I thought a lot about the possibility of it being malignant.
During this period of time I did not smoke or drink. Omw home from the hosp, I wanted to ask the taxi driver to stop at the supermart first but I think he will definitely asked, [do you really want to stop at] supermart? It is kinda troublesome so I request to drive directly home. And after I went home, I went to the supermart and bought 2-3 days’ worth of food and stayed at home.
As for work, mostly its whispering and writing notes. I didn’t expect that I even need to write notes. During the time I stayed in the hosp, I did not smoke or drink. The 2-3 weeks after I was discharged, I did not smoke as well. People around me thought that I have quit smoking. Although this false impression is weird, I just did not smoke but I don’t have the intention of quit smoking. So it was kinda hard to answer people cos I can’t just say that I quit smoking etc. I don’t have the intention to quit smoking its just that I did not smoke. But maybe that’s considered quitting, I guess. Did not feel particularly painful about it, I guess that because it is what I have decided to do. I have decided not to smoke, so I didn’t but when I want to, it is also not the feeling that I have quit smoking. When I want to smoke, I will think about it and thought, actually I can don’t smoke as well. I think there’s some switch within me that’s being activated. But it also depends on the environment so I will not know until I go through all the different environments. If its okay at home, then there is still the work environment. There’s utage, toshoukan, mado, sxs and they are all different and I have went through all of them, and feel I am alright. Of course there are some other situations that I have not being through yet.
Let me make a calculation. Everyday 2 packs, 40 cigarettes. So I have smoked 600k cigarettes until now? (laughs)  Its 600k I am 42 now, if I were to count backwards the number of cigarettes, its also a weird number.
At night, its okay not smoking but I can’t sleep. Can’t do without drinking. During dinner I will always prepare some dishes to go with the alcohol and I can just eat for 3 hours on that. I will slowly drink and eat and also smoke as well. Now I don’t have cigarettes and also suddenly dont have alcohol, for the fried chicken and fish without alcohol, I can finish them in about 5 mins. Wanted to eat them slowly but I just finished them at one go. Eh? Finish already?
That night I was discharged from hosp, I could not sleep until 7am next morning. The next day is a rest day and I had a check-up. I slept for 3-4 hours only and thought the next day I can get to sleep earlier and in the end, I was awake for 24-5 hours. Until the next day’s 8am, I can’t sleep at all. And the doc told if I can’t sleep, its okay to take some sleeping pills. After I took some, I had quite a long and deep sleep. The doc said that as compared to using alcohol to induce sleep, the sleeping pills will not have harmful effects on the body. I have around a week’s time, 4-5 days, so I went for other check-ups as well. And of course it was found that my liver is not very well. Due to drinking too much. Oh, really? As for smoking, I think its still easy to stop but for drinking, I don’t think I can. So how? When I have said I wanna quit. Should I quit. I think there’s no choice.
Is my voice okay now? Its better than last time right? Actually since last year I did not sing much, just a little. I didn’t sing much during Singles, there isn’t much solo parts during live perf as well. Actually, I know I can’t sing with this hoarse voice. But maybe if I put in more effort I can sing? If I can sing better, how will it go? Why are you laughing? (laughs)  
If next time something like this happen, I will probably rest for 3 full weeks. Will tell JE, and the public that I will rest if not I can’t get that 3 weeks for sure. This time round I recovered in just 5 days so I guess 3 weeks is more than enough?
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So regarding recently, what should I talk about. Regarding quit smoking, Papa’s last words on the paper, he wrote “No smoking” (laughs) And I had ignore it till now and kept on smoking (……. )
Imai-san passed away, Imai Masayuki-san. I did not mention this right. It’s really too fast, isn’t it. That day, my manager contacted me and said Imai-san had left some last words for Nakai-san – “Go for check-up”. So I went for check-up and found the problem. But actually before Imai-san’s last words, I went for check-up. Because of Papa as well. I will talk about it longer next week.

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No words. Seriously, its just heartbreaking listening to Nakai on the radio like this. His health is really deteriorating quite fast – last yr’s fns27 live perf.. T_T  Sighhhh. I wish he could take care of himself more. Knowing that his work is highly stressful and demanding, I can also understand why he smokes and drinks that much. But as a fan, there’s really nth more important that the hope that he can stay healthy and continue to be so. I know the choices we made in our lives leave us with the consequences to bear, but it still pains me to see him like this.